Tricky words

Lately I have become fascinated with words. As I sat tonight at my adoptive families' house, my mind floated away, as it often does during a fast paced quick moving passionate Hebrew conversation. Especially considering the fact that my Hebrew is still slim to non-existent and I am the clueless girl at the table jumping from face to face helplessly reading everything I can from their expressions and gestures to try to pull some kind of meaning from their words that are so foreign and distant to me. Language is a crazy little thing but I have come to realize that as lost and far away that I sometimes feel, there is a beautiful commonality in people's way of expressing themselves and if you look deeper you can understand their meaning when the words do happen to fall short. Stepping away from my frustrations of my Hebrew or lack thereof I have noticed how much I do enjoy words and the emotions that they can pull as they are twisted and turned.
A book that have been reading soo incredibly slowly because I simply do not want it to end, 'The History of Love' has a part about words that just makes so much sense to me. Some special people in my life right now have been exposing their struggle to express themselves and their feelings. For me this is wild, I feel something and I often want to scream it from the rooftops (which also could be my downfall at times) but I find it so hard for me personally to bottle up my emotions without an instant explosion. Excuse the rambling but to me it's sad, as I have mentioned how beautiful words can be, I find it almost a crime to hold your words in. Here is the excerpt from Nicole Krauss's story...

'So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and loose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days you can hear their chorus rushing past: IwasabeautifulgirlPleasedon'tgoItoobeleivemybodyismadeofglassI've
neverlovedanyoneIthinkofmyselfasfunnyForgiveme...
There was a time when it wasn't uncommon to use a piece of string to guide words that otherwise might falter on the way to their destinations. Shy people carried a little bundle of string in their pockets, but people considered loundmouths had no less need for it, since those used to being overheard by everyone were often at a loss for how to make themeselves heard by someone. The physical distance between two people using a string was often small; sometimes the smaller the distance, the greater the need for the string. The practice of attaching cups to the ends of the string came much later. Some say it is related to the irresponsible urge to press shells to our ears, to hear the still-surviving echo of the world's first expression. Others say it was started by a man who held the end of the string that was unraveled across the ocean by a girl who left for America.
When the world grew bigger, and there wasn't enough string to keep the things people wanted to say from disappearing into the vastness, the telephone was invented.
Sometimes, no length of string is long enough to say the thing that needs to be said. In such cases all the string can do, in whatever its form, is conduct a person's silence.'

Tricky little words.

Through rose colored lenses...

I was sitting on the bus the other day and the boy in front of me was taking a picture out the window. From my seat behind him I could see exactly what he saw behind his lense, and then it hit me. I realized why I am so fascinated with photography. For one moment in time everything is frozen. A moment is frozen, a moment that the photographer saw something beautiful. Something worth pushing that button and holding that moment forever. You get to see what strikes others and moves others without any words. Through their eyes, they see something. and the moment I see a picture I think about the thoughts that may have came to mind at the moment the finger is released to hold this image. I feel a bit closer to the person, even a complete stranger. It's similar to the feeling I have when I peek through someone's music. To me this is just as personal as a secret diary. The playlist to our lives; the beats that make us, shake us and break us. They say, when words leave off, music begins...

Her name was Free Spirit..

This may sound ridiculous but I really miss my bicycle. The weather was beautiful in Israel today and I saw people all over happily riding their bikes and I felt a pain in my heart. This bike to others may have looked like a piece of junk. She was given to me by a friend who saw it left behind on the side of a fence back in Gainesville. I knew she needed some love and attention so I brought her to the 'Recycled Bikes' on the corner of University by my house. I decided to give her a fresh coat of blue paint but quickly before she dried I realized she was meant to be her original burgondey red. So now she has a bit of character with baby blue speckles all over. I gave her a brown wicker basket on her tushy to hold my books and farmers market treats. I think I am writing this post to reminise with myself about the one that got away. You see the day I left school to drive my packed car home from Gainesville she had some trouble staying on the bug as I drove. So this photo is me saying my goodbye, and leaving her just the way she was found. I told 'free spirit' that I had hoped she would find another owner who loved her just as I did. Maybe a poor soul that I used to give a buck to here and there now has her to ride them around town. The name 'free spirit' was written across her side and that is exactly what she is. A bike just like her owner. Maybe one day I will spot her again and never even know it. She gave me a permanent scar on my calf from an afternoon I was hopping around, her mood was bitter so she stuck out her sharp chain which left her permanent imprint on my skin. I forgive her and I keep my scar as a memory. One day I hope another bike just like her finds me so I can once again feel the wind in my hair...

Jewish Journal Article...

So I was given a few questions to answer from a woman who wanted to publish a "menshe" article in the Florida Jewish Journal...It stressed me out a bit, sometimes it's hard to find the words, especially on delicate matters such as the war. I hope it all came out right...whaalaah..enjoy.

1) What is life like in Israel right now and are you affected by Gaza?

The recent war (Or shall I say “operation”) along with the past elections has naturally made it a fascinating time to be living in Israel. It was only a few months ago that I attended a seminar in Sderot, a city in southern Israel that is being hit by kassam rockets almost everyday. The very moment I got off the bus the alarm sounded, “T’seva Adom,” the warning that goes off when a kassam was fired into Israel from Gaza. I rushed to the nearest bomb shelter, with only 15 seconds to get there. Moments after, we walked out of our safe haven and carried on our afternoon as if nothing had ever happened. Since that day I often count fifteen seconds in my mind as I go about my everyday activities and I try to imagine the terror that these innocent people face each day.

I recall a conversation that I had with a friend that I had made while I was sitting in a pile of army uniforms at a base in the South of Israel outside of Beer Sheva. My fellow ‘OTZMAnakim’ and I were a part of Sar-El which is an opportunity to volunteer in the Israel Defense Force. Ironically enough, we did this volunteering within the very week that the Operation Cast Lead had begun in Gaza. This particular new friend was from the Kassam infested town of Sderot. Unable to understand how someone can wake up every day in a state of fear I asked him how he gets by living in a town that has been under attack consistently for the past eight years. He simply said to me, “You can either laugh or you can cry, you can live every moment in a state of panic or you can put it as far from your thoughts as humanly possible and just live”.

I think back to before I came to Israel and only knew of the situation here from what I saw on the news. Of course I thought it was heart-breaking but now that I have been here during all of the recent events I can put faces to theses real-life nightmares. I have friends, years younger than myself that one moment we were sitting having a Goldstar together at their favorite bar and the next moment they are on their way into Gaza. After six months of living here, I not only feel pain for my people, but I see the constant tragedies of the Middle East from every angle. All I can wonder is when will it all end and can’t we all just get along? If the world could just live by a few simple Beatle’s lyrics, “All we need is love.”

2) How would you describe Project Otzma and your volunteer work in Israel?

‘OTZMAnakim’ joke about how we have the Otzma description down to a science. We always get the same questions. “Why are you here, and what are you doing” seems to come up every day from interested and curious Israelis. I would describe Otzma as the most rewarding, self-fulfilling 10 month post-college experience. It is hard to step outside of the whirlwind while it is in full circle, but as I try to put this experience into words, all I can say is that I can feel the warmth in my heart each and every day for the work that I am currently doing here in Israel. The first three months in Israel was spent living in an Immigration Absorption Center in Be'er Sheva, another city in the South of Israel. I had the opportunity to get accustomed to a side of Israel that most tourists do not get the opportunity to see. Five mornings a week were spent studying in an intensive Hebrew learning class called Ulpan. My afternoons were occupied with volunteering with an organization called Almcha, an organization for Holocaust survivors. My time was spent visiting with an elderly woman named Tamar. She loved to make me tea and a plate of cookies while we kibitzed and she encouraged me to work on my Hebrew. Now that I am no longer living in Be’er Sheva we continue our connection through the phone and email but it was inspiring to see how just giving my time really made a difference to a single person.
I am currently living in the north of Israel in a town called Afula. Each morning I work in a classroom of eight children with Cerebral Palsy at the Yuvalim School. This school is the only school in the north of Israel for students with severe Cerebral Palsy. Two days a week I go from the Yuvalim School to the Hamifal, educational children’s homes. This is a beautiful community of homes that is similar to an orphanage house in America but I feel this name does not serve its justice. I spend time with the oldest group of boys and girls on two different days after they get back from school. The teens love to practice their English with me and they also get a kick out of teaching me Hebrew. I have built connections with each one of these children that come to this community to live away from their broken homes. One day a week I teach English informally to a group of high school students in a program called Atidim. Atidim is a program that gives educational and financial help to "the cream of the crop" students who are less advantaged before they leave for their army service.

4) What inspires you to volunteer?

As Ghandi said, "Be the change that you want to see in the world." A year ago while I was sitting in my home in Gainesville, Florida, I was at a crossroad in my life. I was tying up my graduate year as a Gator, and trying to decide what is next. To all graduates, this is the famous question at the fork in the road. I realized it was my time to really make the change that I was always was talking about. When I thought of where I could make the biggest impact, I thought about what in my life held the most meaning. To me my love of Israel inspired me to return, to give back to this place that has always held my heart. My love for Israel, and for my people, inspires me to want to continue giving back and educating others. At the end of the day I continue volunteering because it inspires me to know I made a difference in at least one life.

6) What is the most meaningful part of volunteering to you?

I must admit on the first day that I came to visit the Yuvalim School I could not fight back the tears as I bit my lip trying to keep my strength and composure in front of these children. I was not sure if I had the strength in me to do this volunteering each day but I knew in my heart I needed to try. Now, a month into my volunteering I could not be happier that I did not turn my back on these beautiful children. I have seen the impact I have made as my teacher has told me that when I am gone the kids look for me. She told me she hates the days that I am off because my ‘positive spirit’ makes a real difference each day in her classroom. This is simply the most meaningful part of the volunteering. When a young teen asks me, “Will you be my friend forever, will you be there for me” I look at her and tell her of course I will and I truly do mean it. Her response, “Ya, we’ll see, you live your life, once your gone I won’t hear from you”, a response that was way beyond her years. It is also a response that I know comes directly from the lack of love and stability that she has seen in her own life. The fact that this girl has began to depend on me and trust me as her ally, this is the reason I do what I do. This is what inspires me to want to volunteer and to continue what I am doing during my experience here in Israel. It is not just getting up and going to work every day that I find fulfilling but it is the emotional side of what I do. To see that each and every day, my presence means something to the individuals that I work with and to know I am impacting other’s lives, I truly feel rewarded and fulfilled.

As the rain finally falls....

I embraced this rainy weekend, 'it's a great day for the poor Kinneret'
I find it hard to step out of the whirlwind while it is in full twirl but it would be an absolute bassa (shame) to forget the moments, the thoughts. I have been in Israel for about six months already and at moments I feel it has only just begun but from experience I know that these times fly by before the blink of an eye. I want to savor every taste, breathe in every aroma, feel every emotion, yada yada. Sometimes when I get lost in these dramatic tangents I joke to myself that I should offer some crackers to go along with all this cheeeeeese!

So I decided I was going to create one of the blogs to jot down the random thoughts, maybe a great quote I have stumbled upon or perhaps a suggestion for a movie to watch, a book to read, a song to listen to, a recipe to cook up...sit back, enjoy and share your thoughts along with me.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
And if I am only for myself, what am I?
And if not now, when?"--Pirkei Avot

"The search for my glasses is endless,
so too is the search for me,
if only I could find them, I would have them,
so through my blindness,
I choose to go, to do and to be.~~~The first time I was in Israel we climbed to the top of a mountain, unfortunately the name has escaped me but the view was indescribable. We sat around in pure contentment and with pride for the mountain we had just conquered. A friend of mine told me this quote and it shook me, I held on to these words from that day on. It was beautiful and it was me.

Did ya know, 'Humans are the only animal that blushes, laughs, has religion, wages war and kisses with lips'

(not my words, but I like em)
~I do not care what car you drive. where you live. if you know someone who know's someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this years cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited, if your an A list or a B list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind, They are the only thing you truly own.The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.~

Yesterday I was at a gas station in Afula and I was watching a van full of Hasidim Jews gathering around the gas pump trying to figure out why their pump was not pumping gas and for some reason I thought this scene was hilarious. A joke came to mind, how many hats does it take to pump a tank of gas....
it was so silly to me, I love that I can constantly entertain myself with the inner workings of my own mind, 'if you can't be your own best friend, than whadya got in life, nothin! Anyway this scene was one of those great 'only in Israel' moments that I simply adore which leads me to....drumroll please, my next blog-Only in Israel.....see ya then!